BDSM and Disability: Power and the Body

Something I often notice about the discourse on BDSM, even from able-bodied kinksters, is the emphasis on power relations and "power exchange" (Personally, I don't like that term much, because it makes me think I'm about to buy stock or something.) There's a very common thread in a lot of definitions and discussions of BDSM that goes like this:

"Most people think of pain for sexual pleasure when they think about 'sadomasochism.' Actually, BDSM is about erotic power exchange. Pain only happens in the service of power. A lot of people don't even do that pain thing!"

I always had some beef with this. For me, as a sadomasochist with disabilities, it's dividing things up that don't need to be divided.

For me, there's power in the way my body moves. When I'm flogging someone, my body does things that express power. When someone else's body responds, whether that's wiggling or swaying or screaming, that expresses the power I have as well.

For me, the pain play, or the sorts of movements that I make when doing it, mean taking this body that has always been read as powerless and making it mean something else. Crafting a new meaning, a new language of power, through how I move and how the other person moves in response.

My body does things it doesn't usually do when I'm topping. It stretches more. It moves more gracefully, and the tightness that usually limits me disappears in a sinuous dance.

Someone could make the argument that this happens because of endorphins and adrenaline and sexual arousal literally loosening up my muscles and reducing spasticity. She would probably be right, too.

But I think there's more to it than that. I think that's how my body moves when it knows it is powerful. When it thinks of itself as graceful and strong and capable of leading someone else on a journey.

So for me, the power exchange rhetoric has always been a bit off. Yes, what I'm describing here when I talk about topping is a "power exchange" of bodies. So yes, it literally applies.

And yes, I do dominate people in other ways as well. As a friend of mine said just last night, it's the things that happen outside of scenes, outside of erotic theater, that make sure it doesn't all just feel fake and silly and empty when it's over. So I don't mean to say just topping now and then is what I want and who I am.

But losing sight of that body thing, saying "oh, that's just the sex, and here's the real point" misses that power is expressed not just through commands or dressing or etiquette or "Sir, may I...?" but also through bodies.

And that real communion with the power in our bodies, the power our bodies have just as they are, rather than the power the medical model promises if it can only make us better, is something a lot of people with disabilities really need.