CAREGIVERS: ALLIES NOT ENEMIES

One of the problems that many pro-sex and WOC feminists, (and other non mainstream feminists) have with much of what is known as Liberal Feminism political analyses is their tendency to put issues into traditional binary types of set ups. Men vs Women, Abuse Vs "Healthy," (whatever that means), Abuser VS Loving Spouse (family member.) And their refusal to acknowledge the complexities at times of the various causes, racism, ablism/disablephobia, poverty, burnout, lack of social support that drive decent loving human beings to do unloving, cruel, abusive behavior.

Take a look at this artice: http://abilities.ca/include/article.php?pid=&cid=&subid=&aid=497 Notice how the Caretaker is positioned into the role of Criminal. It's assumed, always, that if the caretaker does abusive action, they are always, automatically an "abuser."

The problem with making every single person who does abusive action into an abuser should be obvious...there isn't one adult who hasn't screamed, called our spouse/lover a name, been manipulative, exploded or done some form of "unfair fighting," at some point in our lives.

The myth, and we now do know it to be a myth (vs in the seventies when we knew nothing about violence against women, PWDs, etc.) of there being some kind of 100% "Healthy," perfect relationship out there is damaging to all of us, because it sets us up to...fail.

For example: per capita, the percentage of battered spouses in lesbian relationships seems to equal the percentage of battered spouses in heterosexual relationships.

No people. Domestic Violence is NOT a Heterosexual issue. Neither is sexual assault. Heterosexual or Homosexual (I don't think bisexuals have been studied at all, as usual) there are batterers in every group.

It's "dirty secrets," like this, realities that contradict the political rhetoric of White Liberal Feminism Theories or Analyses which, they simply deny existing a large percentage of the time, that Disempower, not Empower us. Denial Disempowers. There are many, many feminists like myself fighting that denial.

Note how in the link above Caregivers are positioned as "the enemy," the threat to PWD. I would argue that it is not the Caretaker that it the cause of the threat, but the lack of support: physical, emotional, psychological, financial support that family Caregivers get that is the problem.

We KNOW, it's been PROVEN, beyond a shadow of a doubt that human beings break under too much stress. And although we as PWDs many times don't understand or perceive what our Caregivers are dealing with...they are increasingly isolated, alienated, just like the PWDs due to the increase of Ablism and Disablephobia of the last twenty years. And remember, what breaks one person doesn't break another. We can't know all their triggers, where there breaking point is, after all, many times, they don't even know. Until, that is...it's too late.

The breakdown of traditional support networks like the extended family, church, community groups, etc. have turned us into a society where 1 out 3 Americans say they don't have 1 friend they feel they can turn to, to confide in, to ask for...help.

Lets not forget, it's not just us that are declared "of no value," those who take care of us, those we are interdependent on, are increasingly looked down on. Spending your energy caring for someone weaker and more vulnerable then you instead of making more money to buy stuff? How disgustingly "twentieth century," of you.

The problem of course, is that PWDs simply cannot be their Caregivers sounding board, cannot be their caregivers emotional support. Not in regards to their caregivers feelings about them.

The truth is: we all feel burdened by each other sometimes. Last night I was on my way to the skytrain, going to an event, when a young woman stopped me and asked me if I wouldn't help this old man, hunchbacked up the stairs to the skytrain. The disability elevator was broken. I'm thinking, "what? I'm not in a rush?"

But I was going to a bar-b-que with other PWDs. My commitment to my community, last night, was tested. Showing up...when you don't want to. All the time I was gritting my teeth.

I didn't want to be doing it. It's not like he was going to be "doing something for me," I was resentful and impatient. I was angry at the young girl for not helping this guy past getting me, "some sucker," too open to people for her own good, to shove him off on. And this...

Turned out to be over 15 minutes of my time (it felt like 15 years). Imagine, helping someone you care deeply for, and on a regular basis, at times, feeling and thinking all the things I just said I was feeling and thinking and yet...you're not allowed to admit them out loud?

People who wouldn't take on the role of caretaker support for anyone no matter how attracted they were to them, are very quickly too look down their superior noses at those who do, who openly admit to feelings of anger, resentment, exhaustion, etc. towards the disabilities and differences they bring. And what if....

They "break down," and do hit the person they are caregiving or in some other way, do an abusive action. Caregivers have been as criminalized as the mentally ill in recent years. Or else...made into heroes when they finally snap and kill their loved ones.

How does one get help when admitting one has crossed the line, results in criminal charges? REGARDLESS of the situation or stressors involved? Perhaps if they had more resources available to them after that very first slap or scream...there wouldn't be a second one.

Yes, especially in institutions, you will find predators that deliberately have careers as Caregivers of PWDs because they are vulnerable and easy victims. And yes, there ARE people who abuse PWDs because they get off on Power Over. The ability to get more power or " energy," (power in it's truest form) through taking it from someone else.

But there are also many people who end up doing abusive behavior, because they are feeling, perceiving themselves to be Powerless. A common perception of people in Depressions or Burn Out. The perception that they are trapped that there is nothing they can do. People who are emotionally overloaded and don't have a single person they can say, "You know...Sometimes I HATE her disabilities." And know that person will sit there and understands, still love you, view you with greater respect for having the strength to speak and share not just yours but others truths.

I've been both Spouse of a PWD and a person with disabilities emotionally and psychologically abused by a Spouse Caregiver. Many PWDs relationships with spouses, lovers, friends eventually break down, simply because we aren't willing to give both people the community support, as fellow and sister citizens, that they need.

No PWD can be so objective as to sit calmly and listen to their caregiver rant and rave about how they hate, resent, etc. the PWDs disabilities. But rant, rave and vent Caregivers still need to do. To...someone else.

Someone who is willing to be an ear, simply so that ranting and raving and hating the disabilities doesn't eventually turn into hating the person with the disabilities. Viewing the person as the problem instead of the disabilities,the Ablism and Disablephobia as the problem.

Caregivers almost always end up suffering "Caregiver Burnout," simply because society has basically said, "if you take care of a PWD you are as little value to us as they are."

It is ABLISM and DISABLPHOBIA combined with Sexism and a society that increasingly values Narcissism that is our biggest enemy. Not our spouse, our friends, our loved ones.

Yes, many times they DO become the people who Abuse us, but NO they are NOT DESTINED to become Abusers. Yes. Male Caregivers run a higher risk of turning to actions of physical abuse whereas women have a higher probability of turning to psychological, emotional or financial abuse.

This is because of how we've been socialized since children to deal with not only anger, but feelings of fear and powerlessness as well. By sending those feelings out onto someone else, hitting out destructively, instead of taking all the energy in those feelings and creating something. And what can we create? Well, here's something that the Caregivers of those friends of mine who are currently creating a little Leathercrips community can do.

They can Create their own "Caregivers of Leathercrips (CLC)" (or make up your own name) community. It's not that hard. Get a new user name that no one aside from your spouse or even she might not know, and start an LJ, or a Blog, some little online outlet where all of you can talk, ask questions, vent, just let it all out, in a way that doesn't dump it on your loved one with Disabilities.

After all...it's not their fault that they have disabilities, were born different or that Ablism and Disablephobia are so rampant in North America.

Don't wait until that anger at the Disabilities is transferred into anger at the PERSON with the Disabilities. When this starts to happen, it means your in burnout and your thought patterns, perceptions are getting wonkier every day.

Once you are in burnout, and starting to "blame the person not the disabilities," every single day you do nothing to help yourself, brings you closer to becoming a Criminal. An actual Abuser.

And you don't have to be. It's not destiny. It's not inevitable. You do have the power to help yourselves. So....HELP your SELVES.

Start reaching out to other spouses. Sure, you can cry, rage, vent your emotions to them if that's what you need. But even just going out on a regular basis for a beer once a week. Regularly, as "your time," as Caregivers will re-energize you.

Accept the help that others are offering you. Realize you and your loved one with disabilities don't have to do it alone. Ablism and Disablephobia affect Caregivers without disabilities just as much as homophobia affects parents of gays and lesbians. Two parents, realised that "if I'm confused, angry, having difficulty, maybe...other parents are to? And Parents, Friends and Family of Lesbians and Gays was created. All it took...were two and PFLAG was born.

Without PFLAG Canadian GLBTs would never have gotten the rights we have today. This is why they always get the biggest scream during the Pride Parades. Because when they aligned themselves with us, they too: lost their friends, their churches, their communities many a time. They were not GLBT but they suffered from Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia just as their loved ones did.

Ablism and Disablephobia isolate you. They alienates you. They makes you "different," from other people who are simply "spouses," you are a "Spouse OF a PWD." They will destroy not just your relationships with others, but with yourself, your self esteem, your self respect, if you let it. Don't let Ablism and Disablephobia do this to you.

Don't let society manipulate you into doing their dirty work. They want to beat us up and kill us? Let them build their gas chambers once again, don't be their scapegoat, their patsie.

You are Not Alone.

We are here. We are experiencing the same kind of feelings, confusions, resentments, situations that you are. We are here. We understand.

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Here's a site dedicated to Caregivers. I haven't gone through all the articles so Take What You LIke and Leave the Rest. http://www.care-givers.com/DBArticles/pages/viewarticle.php?id=225