Sexuality and Disability Talk

I’m giving a short, one hour workshop on womens sexuality and disability. Not alot of time I know, so I wanted to know folks perspectives on some major “issues,” to raise. Here’s some of the things I figured I’d talk about, but you know, the issue is soooo broad, I’m sure we could talk forever.

 

1. Please Someone, Anyone…Sexually Objectify Us. – assumption that all women are sexually objectified by men, is an ablist assumption that denies the reality of a majority of women with physical and visible disabilities, who are many times desexualized, infantilized, etc. The need for websites, calendars, and so forth that show women with disabilities WITH their disabilities on display: wheelchairs, canes, breathing masks, etc. as sexual beings and not medical objects of curiousity.

2. She’s looking for a caretaker Mommy – the assumption that WWD (in lesbian world anyways) are looking for caretakers, and not hot, rocking sex.

3. Oh “Yeah!” she’s got disabilities, she won’t WANT to have sex, I’ll date her so I won’t have to deal with sexual intimacy. The assumption that WWD don’t want to be fucked and fucked dirty or hard, but simply gently “cuddled.”

4. The assumption that so called “Vanilla Sex,” DOESN’T leave major bruising, and DOESN’T cause major, excruciating pain, is fundementally ablist and denies the realities of millions of WWD who 24/7 live life in pain, and all touch causes pain and suffering even the most gentlest of touch, and who don’t distinguish a line between pain and sex.

5. Talking about Good Pain VS Bad Pain similiar to Good Touch/Bad Touch with sexual abuse, instead of saying “all pain during sex is wrong, bad and abusive,” kind of anti sex perspective.

6. The need for us to have professional Sex Care Workers, paid by the government, like professional Home Care Workers to care for our touch and sexuality needs.

7. Isolation and loss of Social Skills that go with this, lead to problems even getting dates, or fitting in with groups to socialize. More emphasis needed on helping queer women with disabilities FIT into the group, and the group fit around them, instead of simply judging them for being odd, loud, different, poor social skills etc. HELP them, instead of judging and shaming them.

8. BDSM and Disability Community – large degree of People into BDSM are people with disabilities, who use BDSM as a way to manage their chronic pain, eroticize their medical and social realities, and find ways to explore their sexuality that isn’t of the TAB missionary style behavior. BDSM as physio therapy as well as sexual therapy, etc.

Other ideas, topics? Then I’ll focus and whittle them down….

UK: Antidisability Hate Crimes (BBC)

I see that there's some quite justifiable anger here at the excuses made for celebrity rapist Roman Polanski. However, let's also spare a thought for other victims of abuse and homicidal violence...within the UK disabled communities.

Like New Zealand, Britain’s Criminal Justice Act 2003 has a provision related to criminalisation of hate crimes, which includes sexual orientation, gender identity…and disability. It is the latter that I want to focus on here.

Last month, Geoff Adams, BBC disability issues correspondent, referred to an apparent spate of antidisability hate crimes in the United Kingdom. He started with the suicides of Fiona Pilkington and her disabled daughter after prolonged harrassment from local thugs. However, there are other such incidents, tragically enough, as he relates:

In 2007, Christine Lakinski, a woman in her 50s with learning and physical disabilities, was taunted, urinated upon and sprayed with shaving foam as she lay dying in the street. [Why does this remind me of the similar horrific case of Tyra Banks, a New York transwoman who was denied medical treatment and died, because of the facile transphobia of so-called ‘emergency staff?- c]

In 2007, too, Brent Martin, a young man with learning disabilities, was kicked and beaten to death by a gang on the estate where he lived in north-east England.

It wasn’t the first such case, either:

In the Forest of Dean, Elizabeth James told me about her son, Kevin Davies, who had been preyed upon by three people, confined to a shed and systematically tortured until he died in 2006.

And it hasn’t stopped since then, either:
In January 2009, three young men were jailed for gang-raping a 16 year-old girl with learning disabilities. The filmed their attack on mobile phones.
In order to destroy any forensic evidence, she was doused with caustic soda which left her in a coma and permanently disfigured.

As far as I am concerned, these are all demonstrable hate crimes and acts of aggravated assault and homicide directed against people with disabilities. However, try telling that to presiding judges. Commendably, the Pilkington tragedy has prompted recognition of the seriousness of antidisability hate crime, at least in the United Kingdom. The UK Home Secretary, Alan Johnson, and former Director of Public Prosecutions, Alan Johnson, have raised the issue and it looks like there will be action.

What about Canada, or New Zealand? Is it time that we revisited our hate crimes legislation, and fine-tuned it? Shouldn't we be raising these issues in the LGBT communities, rape crisis centres, and LGBT antiviolence prevention groups, as well as the disability rights movement? I've also mailed this in my Gaynz.Com bloggers column, so I hope there's some response.

Strongly recommended:

Geoff Adams-Spink: Focus on Disability Hate Crime: BBC News: 29.09.09: http://news.bbc.co.uk/nolpda/ifs_news/hi/newsid_8280000/8280577.stm

Disability and Sexuality Workshop

I have been asked, yes, ASKED, as in BEEN INVITED to give a workshop for TAB women on Disability and Sexuality. *beems all proud*

Yep! Turns out there's a women and sexuality week coming up locally, put on by women at five different organizations/companies, and I'm going to be speaking at it!

I went to have a discussion with my local lgbt organization regarding starting a queers with disabilities daytimes social group, and as I talked to her, and well, as she put it, "blew her mind," because I was saying things she'd never considered or heard before, the coordinator asked me if I'd like to participate by speaking. *pause* She had the grace to look shamefaced when she realized that none of them, in their whole week lineup had thought to consider anything regarding women and disability and sexuality. She was very excited to be challenged and have her world opened up once again. *grin*

I do believe I've found another true ally, compatriot! I'll be going through the process of starting up the Disability group as an official group of the organization. (that way if I get tired of doing it another volunteer can easily step in and take over.) And I'll be having the next Leatherwomen Munch in their space as well.

*squeal* Good News is always sooo empowering. And it's always nice to connect with people who are true community organizers, and in touch with the average person of the street, instead of people who are "studying," us, like samples in a petri dish. Oh I know, there are allot of people in Disability, Queer and Women Studies who are also community organizers and educators and "in touch," with us and our REALITY, but there's also a preponderance of academics who are all about studying and theorizing us, and who really couldn't give a ca ca about our realities as PWDs, as Queer PWDs, because really, they are just using us to make themselves look good in the eyes of their peers. We're just ants to them. And if we dare speak back or challenge them in any way, they get offended at us ants daring to speak directly to God, and simply destroy the anti hill, move away and create a new one to study. It's a mindset. That they are superior then the rest of us, and looking DOWN at us, like, well, scientists, including social scientists and academics do and not standing with us, beside us.

Again, not ALL, but there is definitely a mindset in play. And that's one of things I'm going to say, "please don't turn to the Disability studies Academics, but turn to women with disabilities or the people: nurses, social workers, physio therapists, caretakers, that work with us for suggestions in how to actually include us and deal with us on a one to one basis."  Not always, but in my experience more often, these folks "get it," on a more common sense everyday reality level, being that they live in the actual world, not the theoretical one.

This woman "got" me right away. We were talking about a name for the Disability Group, and she said, "Hmmmm. If we use Queer and we use Crips reclaiming both terms (as in Crip Culture) then that is going to PISS ALOT OF PEOPLE OFF!" *big huge smile*

I said I tend to piss alot of people off and she said, "I think we need more people like you willing to get out onto the street and piss people off, force them to think outside of their boxes." *beams*  Did I feel valued and loved and accepted or WHAT?  *beems happily* And she didn't blink an eye when I asked to have my Leatherwomen's Munch in the space. She's fairly new to this position. And apparently the organization used to be considered quite a conservative organization so she's been reaching out to kink , with disabilities, trans, and other more marginalized groups within the larger queer community, bringing them inside. Reaching out and bringing us Inside, INVITING us, instead of the usual, "Well, if you show up at the door, we won't turn you away," kind of attitude.

I'm thinking of honoring my queer elders and starting my workshop by quoting Harvey Milk,

"My Name is Ms. Pet and I'm here to recruit you...to the queer wing of the Disability Pride Movement!"  Ha, Ha, Ha! Or something in that vein. I don't know...just a thought.

I'm very excited and feel at this moment visible, welcomed and valued as a dyke with disabilities by this organization and this woman. And of course...I'll be donning some kind of Leather and making sure everyone knows I'm a LeatherCrip!

*smiles and holds up,* "what would 1980s SM Dykes Do?" bracelet.  "Got to bring the tradition of Sexual Freedom Fighting Forward after all!" *wiggle, wiggle dances around the room happily*

Ms. Pet

(P.S.) We're not going to call it "Queer Crips," needless to say, because alot of PWDs are not comfortable with the reclaiming of the word "Crip," and wouldn't come just because of that term. But cool that she loved the in your face of it so!

Pet Peeves

Pet peeves of the day In no particular order:

1. People with Disabilities, who are insensitive, socially unaware, ignorant and unwilling to admit their lack of knowledge regarding other disabilities, chronic illnesses etc. *sigh* I'm totally cool with folks who don't know anything about my realities, as there are millions of illnesses, disability experiences I don't know anything about. It's the people who think THEIR experience of disability is EVERYONES experience, or the only valid experience that drives me bonkers!

2. People who refer to "Dyke," or "Homosexual," as "a label." I'm a homosexual human being goddess damn it, NOT a label and NOT an "Identity." Nor do I consider "chronic illness," or PWD or Rape Survivor to be labels. Know what I'm saying? If "Lesbian," is "just a label," well then...so is "Rape." Think about it.

3. Snobs, elitists people who think they are better then others, know it alls, who feel the need to lord it over folks. Keep the Power Over Conducts in the Dungeon where it belongs. Out of the Dungeon/Negotiated Play Relationship it's Oppression, simple as that.

4. Grammar Nazis - time to Google: Communication Disabilities, Learning Disabilities, Language Disabilities, English as a Second Language, Language Discrimination and educate yourself.  The only place on the Internet it's appropriate to judge a person for their written communication abilities is in the professional employment or academic arena. Everywhere else it's social networking folks. As in "social," let your hair down, relax, and hang out.

5. Lesbians who call themselves "feminists," but then bash, look down on, treat as inferior women who don't believe, perceive the world exactly like them. Lesbians who treat other women of all sexual orientations as "the enemy," and "the other," and Lesbians who actually punish or threaten social ostracization to those women with disabilities, who simply stand up for their basic human rights, fighting Invisibility  no different then lesbians do based on sexual orientation.

6. Lesbians and bisexual women who are severely homophobic towards gay males, butch/butch women, femme/femme women, and basically anything that screams, "Gay."

7. Gay Males who support the sexist and misogynist stereotypes that encourage lesbian homophobic beliefs about them. 

8. People who say, "but I have... insert disease, illness, disability here, and I can work, so you're just using it as an excuse. " *sigh* Speaks as if to a child. "Just because two people have breast cancer, doesn't mean they both will die, and just because two people have diabetes doesn't mean both will need to be on Insulin, and just because two people have Fibromyalgia, doesn't mean it will be to the same intensity, degree or impact their bodies in the same way. " HELLO!

9. Arrogance. Ignorant people many times are open minded, tolerant people who simply don't have the knowledge but are willing to learn. Arrogant people generally think they know it all, and therefor, tend to be more bigoted: intolerant of any political opinion or life experience or group that is doesn't validate their own personal experiences/beliefs/politics/view  of the world.

10. Lesbians and Queer Women who bash bisexual and straight women, especially if they are Kinky. If we can't empower ourselves without disempowering other women, women will never achieve parity with men.

INVISIBLE...

 

I'm feeling hurt and Invisible once again. So thought I'd post about it. I'm doing a Puppy Play workshop at this women's kink event, and they scheduled me to do it, right when the BDSM and Disability workshop is being held. I know it's probably just that the person doing the scheduling didn't realize that I was a PWD. After all, they probably assume "Puppy Play = Able Bodied." Which of course, they shouldn't assume, but, well, anyway's.

I know in my head it was probably not an intentional slight in anyway. And it's a measure of the healing I've experienced in the last town, being in a more Disability Friendly and loving environment, that I was able to sit with the hurt, and not respond automatically hitting back, claws out. *smile* Instead I just asked if anyone could switch workshop times with me.

But I admit it, it hurt. Talk about making me feel once again, like I am INVISIBLE. *sigh* Which is probably the MAIN Disability Issue I deal with. It's not simply that when I'm not using my cane or my chair that my Disabilities are Invisible (allot of them arent in fact, but they get interpretated as different things, not ability issues) it's also that...

As with many Dykes with Disabilities, hell Queers with Disabilities, we simply ARE Invisible. We're Invisible as Queers in the Disability Cultural forum and we're Invisible as PWDs in the Queer Communities. On top of that, whenever we try to make ourselves visible, speak up, use our voices, more often then not we get punished for "rocking the boat," being a "trouble maker," or labelled as "angry," which of course, translates into "therefor, we can ignore you and not pay your complaints, feelings, etc. any concern." *sigh*

On top of that, marrying my spouse means I lost all my Social Disability, including, legally being defined as being a Person with Disabilities. I'm currently without any family doctor or psychiatrist. There's a family doctor shortage, and the clinics won't refer me to a psychiatrist for my meds regulation (between the fibro and the ADHD) because having Fibro I'm a "complicated case," and they want a family doctor to refer me. On top of that, I can't even GET Disability designation, for tax purposes, or for a handicap sticker for the car, without the help of a doctor, filling out the forms, and the clinic doctors refuse to do that, because they aren't my family doctor. *sigh* So legally speaking, I'm completely Invisible in the world AS a person with Disabilities, once again. Now I'm relegated to "just a housewife," and a gay one at that! And how many Gay Housewives are there, visible out in the world, acknowledged? Sometimes I swear Housewives/husbands or Homemakers get it even worse by society at present time, regarding Visibility/Invisibility Issues.

So you know, being Invisible, it's a real trigger for me, I deal with it all the time. I rarely see myself, my kinks, my issues, my life experiences reflected in Leatherdyke forums, and I've come to build alliances and find support with a small amount of Leatherwomen of Color, who, for some reason SEE me, I'm visible to them, and I matter, and my feelings matter. *sigh*

I'm just feeling down and hurt, "wounded," because I deal with being completely Invisible, so much. Like the other day, we went to the Take Back the March Parade, a so called FEMINIST march, and my friend pushed me in my chair. And the minute I started to moving into the crowd, an organizer came up and asked me if I wanted to go on the bus for PWDS, which they'd gotten, and put at the back of the march, behind the men. (men are supposed to walk at the back of the march, to signify that women can protect themselves, at the Take Back the Night Marches.) So, a bus following behind the men, just looks like a bus following behind the men, not part of the march. So all the crips were put in a bus, closed bus, at the back of the march, completely INVISIBLE, even though, we have the highest rate of sexual violence of pretty much all women perpetrated against us!

And then, we start marching, and the women, they just walk in front of me, literally, drive their bicycles into my legs, etc. My friend pushing me, is appalled, and I say to her, "It's because I'm INVISIBLE to them, I don't even exist in the middle of a Take Back the Night March in their eyes." So then my friend spends the night screaming at all these ablebodied Feminists, LOL, *grins* literally screaming at them, "She is NOT Invisible!" and "She is a Human Being Goddess Damn It!" And by the end of the night is screaming about Violence Against Women perpetuated BY women, the largest percentage being perpetuated by Women against...Women with Disabilities. And how it's always the feminists that scream the loudest about Male Violence Against Women who seem to perpetuate it in a same sex context. *pause* OK, I couldn't help grin and chuckle at that. Soooo NICE to hear someone, sounding, like, well...ME for a change, and me not have to do it. LOL Someone else raising their voice, in the name of fighting for Visibility of Lesbians and all women with disabilities in feminist and lesbian communities. *smile*

But you know, the reality of dealing with messages that tell me I don't: have value, don't matter, have no worth, aren't "productive," working member of society and therefor don't count, thus justifying me being treated as Invisible, well, it's a daily reality for me and my other sisters. So it's really hard NOT to take situations like, having my workshop scheduled at the same time as the single BDSM and Disability workshop personally.

I know they didn't MEAN to hurt or wound me, or show me disrespect. I know they probably never even considered me, even though I'm the one who did the Leathercrip workshop last year. They never stopped to consider, "Hmmmm, Taz is a Woman with Disabilities, maybe she will want to go to the Disability workshop!" They didn't mean to hurt me, there was NO INTENT TO HARM, and I guess, that's what hurts so much. It was simply that I was Invisible to them. My feelings, my needs, my experiences as a PWD, the fact that there's a pretty good probability I will want to go to the Disability and BDSM workshop, being a Leathercrip, none of this was "Seen." Or considered, thought about, nothing. *sigh*

And of course the problem is, I get this kind of reality all the time so it's not like a "one off," experience of oppression for me. It's constant, it's chronic, and so, the wounds never, ever have a time to heal and scab over before there's another finger or knife being poked into it. The wounds are RAW so to speak.

However, not as RAW as before. Like I said, I was able to deep breath and not completely lose it and send an angry email, which, you know, they would simply have done the classic, "Oh, she's an ANGRY WOMAN, therefor invalid woman, we don't need to pay her any attention or heed," response and hold my tongue. Be patient and be understanding even while it felt like they'd just shoved another knife into an open, open wound. I guess that's good. I guess that's healing, I guess that's progress.

But whether deliberate or not, that knife still hurts, it pushes the already raw wounds open even more, forces me to feel them, once again, and I can't deny that. You know?

I'm a bloody human being, and MY feelings, MY needs, MY issues, MY politics, my KINKS, MATTER! As do all of the needs of my Sister Dykes and Bykes and women with disabilities. And I simply cannot HELP but take it personally. I can't simply "detach." Maybe, I can learn not to react like an extremely wounded and abused and fearful animal and not hit out at people, who truly, I know, don't MEAN me any harm, perhaps even the opposite. And certainly being in this loving environment is taking my fear away, making me able to respond calmer and with more patiences. But I can't NOT feel hurt, I can't NOT feel wounded.

So, I thought I'd simply share that. I'm feeling hurt, and wounded, and Invisible once again, by a group of women, who time and again, make me feel like I don't matter. Who just don't "get it," the reality I live within. Nice as they may be, they just don't "get it," more often then not.  And that's well, it's frustrating, you know? It's just very, very frustrating. It's like, I'm living in a glass bubble, and I can see out, and I'm always, always pounding, pounding on the walls, trying to get everyone else around me, to SEE me, to acknowledge that I'm there, that I exist, etc. and they just, drive their bicycles into my legs, both physically and metaphorically. *sigh* And it's exhausting, having ot spend soooooo much energy, having to raise my voice, or my sisters voices soooo loud, using energy I don't have to use, simply, simply to be SEEN, to seen and heard as a dyke, in lesbian and feminist communities.

*sigh* I don't feel so Invisible in other groups of women, I mean, I do to some extent, certainly as a Dyke at times, but, it's not nearly as painful, for whatever reason. *sigh*

I need a hug! Anyone out there, reading this, give me a hug?